Our Dreams Just Seem To Slowly Fade Into Our Past|
[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 17 most recent journal entries recorded in
|Tuesday, December 6th, 2005|
Your hair in the sunlight,
The sight of your breath
In the cold winter air.
Your small hands cupped about your mouth
As you try to keep warm.
Your shy smile as you lean in on me,
Waiting for my arms
To take you in and hold you
Until the cold disappears from
Your small nose turning red;
Red as the fire in your heart
That keeps both of us warm
On this cold, star filled night.
Your thin lips quivering;
Yet still able to imagine being
wrapped up in the warmth of my arms.
You look up at me, with small puffs
Of your breath still being exhaled,
Trying to imagine being absorbed into
The warmth of my winter dreams.
Your beauty and love,
All flooding into my heart at once,
Your beautiful blue-gray eyes
Looking longingly into mine;
You're just as dreamy and sensual
As a Winters dream.
In case you're wondering still...
You are like a winters sunset to me.
You're all kinds of beautiful as you end my day
And you sweetly retire as sparkling
Winter stars chase you away into
The warmth of my love.
~ KMS 12-6-2005 ~ Current Mood: bubbly
|Friday, December 2nd, 2005|
Well, I figured I would enter a normal journal post since I haven't done that in forever. Sorry... I'm hooked on this poetry thing ever since I started to like *her*. Constantly in my mind, in my heart and in my dreams- ALWAYS an probably forever. Not that I mind, I don't. If I cant ever have her (hopefully if shes.... you know.... then maybe someday I can have her), thinking and dreaming of her won't hurt one bit. I have the strongest feelings ever for her, and these feelings are ones I have never had for anyone else, not even boyfriends. Today when she walked in the room, she looked right at me and smiled the sweetest smile I have ever seen on someones face. I smiled shyly back at her and looked down at my desk. I think shes starting to catch onto some things. HOPEFULLY!
**For her: *You know, I have the worlds strongest feelings for you, and you'll never leave my mind or my heart- I hope someday I will be able to tell you what I want and need to tell you- I'm hoping it will make you smile and make you happy to some extent at least because you're the last person I want to scare away or even lose contact with. You make me so happy. Just having a simple, harmless crush on you is something I absolutely enjoy having. You are the sweetest, most beautiful person to crush on. I have never fallen for anyone like you before, and you'll be the only one that I fall for. For all of the times I don't get to see you, you'll always be on my mind.... forever and always*
Ahhh..... I don't know..... nothing like her. Nothing at all. I'm so hopeless.... hehe. Well.... I am... when it comes to her anyway. :) Hehe.
Well... I'm off to daydream again..... Current Mood: Flippin for *YOU*
|Just One More Time- *For You*
Just One More time
Just a life being lived in darkness one more time,
Just this one last time spent remembering,
Just one more time to wake up;
One more time to hear you breathe.
Your voice, the way you speak;
Your eyes, the way you observe;
Your beauty, the way you look.
My desire and love for you
Exceeds any and all feelings
I have ever felt before.
More than what is expected in life-
Time is crawling away from us
Just one more time.
Just like the one last time to live a lie
Realizing we will never know the truth
Behind our feelings for one another.
The one more time to look into your eyes
And see the truth of love;
Almost like the one last time I saw
The pain of your crying tears.
My hand kisses erasing your tears,
Calming your fears.
Just one more time to see you smile,
Just like the one last time to be happy.
One more time to have you in my mind,
One more time to have you in my heart,
The hopeful one more time of
Being with you forever,
Loving you until the end of time.
~ KMS 12-2-2005 ~ Current Mood: Poetry on my mind- And her...
|Thursday, December 1st, 2005|
Your laugh, your smile, your eyes gleaming
These objects of affection of my dreams,
Forever ironed into my heart;
Setting my soul free into the
Boundless, never-ending serenity of your love.
Compassion, strength and lust,
Thinking and dreaming of you I must.
Wishing you were next to me,
Wishing you were with me.
Feeling the slow, calm rising of
Your chest as you breathe in the sweet air,
Listening to your passionate heart beating,
Your soul breathing.
Dreaming the sweetest dreams of you.
Your small hands resting in mine,
The single strand of hair lying
Sweetly across your face as you
Softly sleep a quiet slumber.
Your soft lips speechless, unmoving
As you slip into the abyss of
Your subconscious, dream-filled world.
The sweet smell of your perfume lingering
On your skin, slowly fading away
Just as my coyness does when you
Slowly slip your hands into mine,
Allowing me to become one with you.
Constantly seeing you in my dreams,
Dreaming of loving you one day,
Hoping to hear your laughter,
To see your smile,
To feel the sensational beating of your heart,
And to taste the calmness of your loving words;
Laying my heart in your hands,
Only for you, only you.
~ KMS 12-1-2005 ~ Current Mood: Ahh- To be with you
|Tuesday, November 29th, 2005|
|Heres some old poems for ya!!!!
Angels Come Rushing In
Angels come rushing in-
Fearing that life itself cannot
Save my soul from the sanity
Of the unknown.
Unsurpassed realms of being;
My fears of leading a life within
And truths of reality.
My soul being drained
Of its entities;
Suffering from false illuminations
Of hopeful dreams and life.
My heart weakening;
My soul bleeding and begging
For mercy from the Gods above.
Will I come back to life?
Will I be able to breathe again
And become one with the
Shadows of my darkness?
~ KMS 1-23-2005 ~
Coming From Within
Coming from within
My soul cries out
From beyond the emptiness,
The emptiness of my dreams.
Into the light as
The darkness fades away-
Unlocking the chains
The chains that bound my soul
Behind the shadows-
The shadows that kept me hidden
Behind the lies.
New life is reborn;
The evolution of light
Consumes my every being-
Shadows turning into reality
The lies become the truths
As the darkness fades away
Bringing life once again,
Back into full reality.
~KMS 1-25-2005 ~
The Darkness Beyond the Shadows of Truth
The darkness, the shadows,
The lies of everlasting truth-
The deepness of reality and the fake
Illumination of being;
This is something that will never be accepted
Once reality is revealed.
The shadows and the darkness-
This is what I live in and have
Come to believe;
The reality of life scaring me,
Why do things have to become so real to us
Why do they not remain within
The vast shadows of our deepest fears,
For our own minds to imagine-
To some day be revealed.
As the shadows of reality
Darken in front of me,
I am only left to believe what the
Lies have led me to-
The darkness beyond the shadows of the truth.
~ KMS 1-28-2005 ~
Within the Darkness of the Night
Sitting here in the darkness of the night,
Wondering, thinking, dreaming and
Hoping for the light to enter and revive
My souls being once again.
The darkness reveals itself in the midst
Of the cold, damp night and
Surrenders its entities beyond the
Growing cold, growing weak,
Growing fearsome of what is to come.
Impatience, anger, fear and sadness
Engulf the vastness of my soul-
Examining my every ounce of being;
Deciding on the morals of truth and life.
The shadows come from out of the darkness,
Consuming my soul;
Devouring my every last breath of life.
I remain wondering what the end will come to,
What I will be faced with.
How dark will those shadows become;
Will they become familiar faces to me;
How will I know when to end these nightmares.
The light fades into the
Sadness and weakness;
The darkness erupting into desire and desperation,
Filling my mind with the unknown prospects
Of what lies beneath.
~ KMS 2-17-2005 ~ Current Mood: I found my old poems!!!
|Friday, November 25th, 2005|
My knees begin to shake whenever you're in sight;
My mind filled with wonder, my heart filled with fright.
Why did this happen?
When did this start?
How do I listen to my mind without breaking my heart?
I'm confused, Don't know what to do;
I can't think of anything except you.
Should I just get over it or should I give it time?
I don't know what to do because my heart controls my mind.
Who are you? What do you like? Who do you like?
Why do I have these feelings for you?
Why does your face come into such a clear image
Time after time, in my mind?
Why can I feel you with me even when I know you are not here?
As Time Goes By ...
Sunlight began beyond lonely days-
Etched eyes of lust focused,
While the years
Slowly and silently descend into
The lonely, dying twilight.
The overwhelming love
That your heart pours out,
Throws my own heart into a fiery, lustful
Fit of wonder and dreams;
Those dreams and wonder-filled thoughts
Enrage the fire in my heart that you started,
Allowing my soul to go into overdrive
For your love.
As time goes by,
I think of what you will do, who you will love;
Who you will dream of and what you will dream.
Your dreams in my heart and
Your heart in my dream;
That is the one thing
I will always bring into the sublime reality
Of my mind. Current Mood: In complete wonder
|Thursday, November 24th, 2005|
|My soul is all yours
My Soul cries out for your voice-
Your ever so sweet and calming voice;
I look at the blazing light,
Hoping to see you there-
Waiting for me-
Waiting for my Soul.
Your open arms waiting-
Full of hopes and dreams and songs of beauty;
The longing look of safety in your eyes and
The warm fire of your heart,
Sends me and my soul into the
Dreams of the ever-lasting night.
Your shallow breathing at night,
Your hair lying on the side of your face
As you lay on your side, sleeping gently;
My soul climbs to ever soaring heights
Just watching you as you slip away into
A peaceful and serene slumber.
Fully en wrapped in my vision
Is your soul;
Waiting for you to awake into full life
Your souls energy invades my heart
Like no other has before.
My soul longs for the sound of
The warmth of your voice and
The calming essence of your touch-
Revives my soul back into complete life.
~ KMS 11-24-2005 ~ Current Mood: content
|Wednesday, November 23rd, 2005|
|Lying in a Field of Gold
"I tried to go on like I never knew you, I'm awake, but my world is half asleep, I pray for this heart to be unbroken, but without you all I'm going to be is incomplete." ~ BsB
The New Love In My Heart....
A new world had been opened up for me
When you came along-
Seeing your face is something
Someone can only dream of.
This new world is unknown territory for me;
It may take me some time to adjust to it,
But when I do....
That's when I'll
Come running to you.
The essence of your heart-
The bright, blazing fire in your eyes
Draws me in to the ever receding tides
Of your serene love.
Sitting in the same room-
Being near you, being with you
Is something that I long for
Every time I see you.
Looking at you, smiling at you
Calms my nervous heart,
Allowing me to adjust to the new love
In my heart.
The way you look at me, the way you listen,
The way you laugh;
All of these things makes my heart
Melt into the ocean of your love.
Your laugh, your beauty, your serenity-
Your smile, your shyness, your calm voice-
This is the New Love in my Heart Current Mood: day dreaming
|Monday, November 21st, 2005|
|On this day
On this day I thought of you-
On this day you were in my mind.
On this day I remember your smile-
To look and see your smile
Was one ever so memorable thing
On this day.
On this day I dreamed of you-
Dreaming a dream that may never
Your laughter on this day-
The look in your eyes as you
walked about the room,
Was one of the greatest rewards
On this day.
One more hello on this day,
One more hopeless dream;
One more time to smile back at you-
One more time to look back into your eyes
On this day.
On this day I thought of you-
On this very day you stayed in my heart
Safe and sound.
On this day, yet at the end of it,
You live on until I see you again.....
~*~ KMS ~*~ 11-21-2005
Getting things out of my mind lately is hard to do. Things are driving me crazy right now. I want to talk, I want to say what is on my mind, but I can't. Not just yet. Maybe some day. Why is it you? Why am I the one? When will you know what I have to say? When will I know what you want to say back? These questions shall remain unanswered for a little longer. Current Mood: Dreaming of lifes serene Love
|Saturday, November 19th, 2005|
|Still wonderin and dreamin
Ahh- things are finally starting to fall into place for me. The roomie is gone... I'm able to get more work done now for some reason.... I'm happier than I have ever been before. I talked to my mom and grandmother on the phone last night about whats been going on in my life. It was a tearful conversation, but... they understood and told me they would love me no matter what, and thats all I want really.
I talked to Chrissy, my RA, today and she was surprised to see me so happy. I'm never usually this peppy. I guess it's just because I have more privacy, I feel more at home being by myself and I can get things done finally! I have my thinking time and it's the best ever. I think about a lot of things.
I really have to say thank you to CL, CF, and HC for being there for me through this and just making things a little easier for me to deal with. R.A. on the other hand...... eh..... never mind.... you might know in the future..... yea..... possibly then.....
I have only 3 weeks of classes left for the most part and then my Winter vacation starts. I'll miss wandering the campus like a lonely ghost, but hey... I'll be back in January! :) I get to take Renaissance Drama with my favorite person next semester!! YEA!! Happy happy happy! :)
I have an essay due for Dr. Arabs class on Monday- it's almost done. I just got done helping Charissa revise her essay (well.... not just NOW..... about an hour and a half ago) and it's really freakin good! Go lil sis!! :) I have faith in thee!!! Haha.
*sighs*..... *smile*..... Charissa.... why do I have "this person" on my mind lately? Can you answer that for me?? It's drivin me nuts. Honestly. I don't mean to be weird or anything, but.... this is like "whoooaaa" for me. *sigh* Current Mood: Ahhh..... fiiiinally.....
|Friday, November 18th, 2005|
Being alone in a dorm room isn't all it's cracked up to be. Jolenes stuff is gone, and i rearranged the room. But... even when she had all of her stuff here and even when she was down at Josh's most of the time, it still felt like someone was here at least. Now.... the room is empty of my friend, and.... it's lonely to be honest with you. Now my mind is like.... "well.... Jolene definitely isn't coming back to stay here." Maybe Jolene wanted someone more like her.... someone cool and popular. Hope she's enjoying herself though. :(
Charissa is definitely moving in next semester though. That will be really cool. :) At least someone will be here ALL the time incase I need someone to talk to and what not, ya know? She better keep the room clean though cuz I'm keepin my side clean. :)
Well... I know this is a short entry, but I'm trying to get adjusted to my new room. :/ Not cool. Current Mood: lonely and bummed
|Still in Complete Wonder
I still have this..... PERson in my mind. This is driving me nuts. I wish I could tell this person just how much I like them, but I can't because it may cause a few problems for them. Besides... I have the same professor next semester, so I'll be able to see them then too. Is this normal though? Is it normal to like a certain professor so much? I wish this person knew. I wish I could talk to them about it because I'm going stir crazy. *sigh*......
Today is a good day. One of the best I have had yet actually. I'm very calm and serene today..... not normal for me. My head is full of thoughts.... wonders.... fears.... and calmness.
I have 3 more days until I get to go home for a week. I haven't been home in a while (well..... not since Columbus day break). I'm actually going to miss being on campus because I always have fun going to Al's for dinner late at night, and I won't get to go to Lit. Fundamentals (one of the best classes I have ever taken)- seriously. However, I'll have enough work for myself to do over break. I can write a few papers and get those out of the way and start studying for some final exams.
Well... Jolene is moving out today to go live in another building on campus. I'll be rearranging the room later today once all of her stuff is out, probably. It's too bad..... even when she wasn't here (and down at her bf's room), I still had a lot of fun with her as a roomie. I hope she has fun for the rest of her time in college at PSU.
Right now, Hannah is one of the most important friends in my college life. Some things have been going on with me (she knows all about it), and she's right by my side. I might be going to a SOUL meeting soon and she said she would go with me so I don't feel weird about going in by myself. Shes one of the few best people that I know here. Same with Charissa. :) Both of them are like sisters to me, and I love them just as if they ARE my sisters.
~*~ Life and the changes that come with are just mere images of the blurred reality that we live in. For us, life isn't just one big change or one big step in a different direction- life is made up of many changes that help us keep going day to day; they help us keep surviving through the trials and tribulations of the challenges we face every day. Life moves too fast for some and too slow for others- make the best of it and you will soon be able to make some sense of that blurred reality ~*~ Current Mood: Thinking in progress
|Love is all we need
Current Mood: artistic
How You Are In Love
You fall in love quickly and easily. And very often.
In relationships, you tend to be a bit selfish.
You tend to get very attached when you're with someone. You want to see your love all the time.
You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change.
You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.
|Wednesday, November 16th, 2005|
|This is what happens
Whoa man..... whats the deal with friends? I love 'em! :) I <3 my Charissa much. :) She's my younger sister practically. We're there for each other through thick and thin. She was there for me through the hardest dilemma of my life (it need not be mentioned, but she knows what it is) and she still IS there for me through this new adjustment. She's one of the best friends I have right now. To be able to confide in someone with all your heart and to trust them to trusts fullest extent, is the best gift anyone could receive. Her and I have lots of heart to heart girl talks and they're very.....whats the word..... intriguing. We talk about anything and everything for the most part. I'm really going to miss her when I graduate in a few years (she'll learn to live without my stupidity though... haha).
This transition into college is a whole new level of life. I have come to learn new things about myself and the world around me. Things that will hold a great impact on my life. Possibly for the better, and hey.... even if it's not for the better, it can't hurt to experiment with new found glories. Right?
The friends I have now, will always be my friends. Some of them will be my second family. Those people know who they are.
I was talking to my friend Charissa today about one of my "crushes." I have the BIGGEST crush on one of my professors right now, and have had this crush since the beginning of the semester. I usually talk to this professor on a daily basis and get help on things in the course (studying for exams and help with writing papers). However.... I can't say anything to my professor because I don't want the person thinking I'm weird, and I definitely don't want to jeopardize their job. So... I'll have to live with a secret crush for now. Bummer.
Well... on the other side of things.... I still haven't talked to Randy. I don't know what his deal is, but oh well. He's in for one hell of a surprise when he reads my details on MySpace. Heh heh. You know.... if I did something so damn wrong, why not be a REAL man and talk to me about it? Instead of being a pussy? Hmm.... I don't know. Oh well. Too bad for him. Things have changed in my world, and I'm movin on without him.
I'm off.... more later Current Mood: Crushin and Thinkin... hee hee
|Tuesday, November 15th, 2005|
|Just me again......
Ya know... it takes a while to know who your real friends are, but once you find out who really stands by you and who really stays at your side through thick and thin, its one of the best feelings in the world. I never really had anyone by my side, helping me through things (well... except for my mom and dad and my nana and pop and my brother). The few, real people who I can consider very good and close friends are Charissa, Emily, Hannah and C-Funk. It's also pretty cool having 2 mentors. One mentor for just "girl-talks" while you're attending college (Debbie) and another mentor who helps you with just about any paper for any class (Dr. Arab). I never knew how good it would be to be away from home, let my individuality grow a little, get to know more people, actually allow myself to get out and get help with classes even when I was afraid to ask for the help.
I have gone to Dr. Arab so many times for help on different papers, and whats cool is.... she sits there for the longest time, helping me, talking to me and asking me questions to solidify my thoughts for my paper. My mentor Debbie is really helpful. I can talk to her about anything for the most part (same with my mom too!) and she just sits there and listens. We usually get together for coffee and just chat for like.... 2 hours. It's kinda nice. :) Charissa and Hannah and Emily on the other hand...... completely awesome people. They're like my little sisters. I love 'em! :) Hannah can be a feckin pain in the ass, but I love her still. Haha. Just kidding. No one is really a pain in the ass... yet.
But no..... honestly..... I don't have many friends here. But... the ones I do have.... I'm VERY grateful for. :) I'm lucky to have them around.
Jolene wants to get a different building next semester, but.... I think she's gonna be on her own doing that because I want to stay with my friends. Charissa is thinking of rooming with me next semester if Jolene moves out. Charissa and I are like sisters. It's funny how we got so close as friends. She's a sweetie though, so it will be awesome if she rooms with me next semester!!! :)
College life is such a big transition. Wait.... UNIVERSITY life is such a big transition. You do so much more in the way of being an adult, and you really get to venture out, meet new people and gain an understanding of who you are in reality. :) Friends are everything, keep them! Current Mood: pensive
|Monday, November 14th, 2005|
|Fading Knowledge...... Well... at least for you anyway.....
Name: Kailyn Melissa Smith
DOB: September 3, 1984
Nicknames: Spoot, Kay, Kaybee, Ki-Ki
Location: Plattsburgh, NY
Hometown: Schaghticoke, NY (yea.... no need to attempt to pronounce it)
College(s): HVCC and SUNY Plattsburgh
High School: Hoosic Valley
50 D Wilson Residence Hall
Plattsburgh State University
Plattsburgh, NY 12901
Dorm: (518) 564-6839
CL, TL, JK, DL, JM, JS, MS, MS, KT, AT, GS (Gramma Smith), JM, CN, HE, RW, EL, JS, HC, and C-Funk
Most important people: Mom, Dad, Nana, Pop, Gramma, Mark, Debbie (mentor in college), Randy, Muse, Jackie and Jolene
To my family and friends: Thanks for lifting me higher every day, helping me make it through college. It's rough, but I'm getting there. Slowly but surely. I'll make the best of it and I'll make you proud. I promise. :) Current Mood: Just kinda there.....
|Things on My Mind......
I really dont know whats going on anymore. I feel lost and confused all at the same time. No logical reasons for anything and no logical explanations given. Where do I go from here? Where do I allow myself to venture on to? Do I allow pain? Do I reject happiness? Do I allow my soul to feel emotions that it has never felt before? Do I allow the feeling of rejection and hurt to come into my ever so inquisitive mind? Who do I allow in? Who should I let into my life? Should I allow myself to be stepped on?
Who am I? Why am I here? Who can I trust? Who are my real friends in life and what purpose do I serve them? I don't know what explanation to give myself for why I am the way I am. Why do I hide things? Why do I hide the way I feel? For fear of rejection? For fear of criticism? Mistrust? Ignorant pieces of useless information from people I barely know?
Why do I hide behind something I'm not? Why do I make constant attempts at pleasing other people, allowing no regard for how I feel? Why do I make sure that things for other people come first, rather than give more regard for my well-being? Why do I sacrifice my happiness sometimes, only to allow room for other peoples passions and happiness? Why do I hide my emotions? Why do I let everything build up inside, allowing it to eventually rupture into an explosion of fear and depression? Who do I talk to? Who do I turn to?
Why dont I express the things I need help with the most? For fear of disappointment? For fear of embarrassment? For fear of maddening myself? Why do I conform to things everyone else desires? Why dont I follow my own dreams? Why do I assist other people in making things happen for them and not me? Why do I hide my true self and not allow any room for my real personality to come out? Why do I make myself someone I'm not?
I still have so much to discover about myself. So many things to adjust in my life. So many newfound adventures to go on so I can find who I really am and why I am here. Why do I let myself get hurt so easily? Why am I so naive and gullible to the lies of life? Current Mood: pensive